Treat yourself to some empowerment

So much of advertising these days is focused on sending women the message that we look terrible. Too fat. Too thin. Too fair. Too dark. Too old. WAY too old. You should probably be hiding in a hovel if you're over 20 years old to spare the rest of the population from your withered, offensive appearance.

This systemic objectification and disempowerment takes place so that a multitude of unnecessary products can be sold. I should know. I've bought hundreds of these products. I don't even want to know how much money I've spent on body lotions to smooth out the barely visible cellulite on my ass when I should have been working out, eating healthy, and loving myself. Working out and eating healthy is really hard work, and advertisers hook us on the idea of fixing our "shortcomings" with easy, magical solutions.

Even when these products are effective in altering our appearance, they don't really make us healthy or happy. They might make us appear healthier. They also might make us happy for a moment, but they make us unhappy in the long run by perpetuating our addiction to attaining an unrealistic, unnecessary standard of appearance. In other words, we cycle through varying degrees of feeling terrible about ourselves. These products and the media that sells them steal our precious energy away from focusing on the things that really matter in our lives.

It's no secret that I wear make-up. I brush my teeth. I eat healthy. I get my hair cut every six weeks. I work out. I don't wear burlap sacks in place of clothing. Looking and feeling my best is important to me. I would just like to avoid products that are focused on "fixing" me because there isn't anything wrong with me. I don't need to have the skin of a 7 year old and the body of an 18 year old, and quite frankly, I don't want to. At 33 years old and 132 pounds, I feel way more beautiful, healthy, and fit than I did at 18 years old and 125 pounds. I don't think it's "brave" of me to state this.

I've built my life on a foundation of intellectual and emotional capabilities, not on a lack of cellulite and wrinkles. You have probably worked hard to do the same. No amount of Botox is going to make me better at what I do. Despite a pervasive cultural insistence that we are unattractive and should be ashamed of ourselves, our value is not extrinsic. We can nurture our true, intrinsic value by investing in self-improvement strategies that are positive, relevant, and effective: coaches, trainers, and therapists. Everyone can benefit from working with these people because they help us grow our intrinsic value starting with the fundamental truth that we're already good enough.

It's very important to me to approach career coaching from a place of positivity and empowerment. I help people create an abundance of whatever they want more of in their careers. Our focus drives our actions, which drive results that are lasting and impactful. There is no quick and easy alternative that achieves the same results as working with coaches, trainers, and therapists. There is no body lotion or facial injection that can change your life like working with these people can. Each and every one of us is deserving of the joy that comes from authentic, intrinsic self-improvement. Treat yourself to some empowerment. ❤️

What is going on outside your cube walls: A guide for men

Dealing with micro-aggressions, sexism, and harassment is a daily burden for women in tech. Despite the fact that these indignities occur constantly, there is no shortage of men who are eager to tell me that they've never witnessed micro-aggressions, sexism, or harassment against women at their company. 

There are only three possible explanations for this:
1. They have never worked with women
2. They are lying
3. They are oblivious

I hope there aren't any men left in technology who have never worked with women. 

Some of these people are lying. I can absolutely tell they're lying. They smile at me slyly like the cat who swallowed the canary. Their insistence that they've never seen this stuff is a form of micro-aggression in itself. It is their way of sending a message to me that if they say it doesn't exist, it doesn't exist, and I'm powerless to do anything about it. 

Then there are the people who are truly oblivious -- those kindred souls who are too busy coding with their headphones on to pay attention to what is going on around them. This blog entry is for you. A lot of micro-aggression, sexism, and harassment takes places privately (in conference rooms, elevators, and empty hallways), but just because you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Please hear me out as I present this educational guide to what is going on outside your cube walls.

The single most common micro-aggression sounds like this:
"You don't LOOK like an engineer" or "You don't look like you belong here."

Come on, think about it. Yeah, you've definitely heard it.

It escalates from there: people asking me to make copies for them or to get them coffee, like this is the 1950's and I'm their personal assistant. Then come the unwelcome sexual advances, the emotional abuse (screaming obscenities in my face, calling me a bitch), the physical violence (grabbing and shaking me or pushing me into walls), the condescending advice, ranging from "you should wear that skirt more often" to "let me tell you in the same voice I use with my 3 year-old how to do the most basic of tasks," even though I'm more proficient than they are in many cases.

Some of it is subtle, but it's still infuriating. Last night, I went to a networking event for engineers, and seven people showed up. Naturally, the night kicked off with the standard, "Wow, you're an engineer," nonsense, because evidently it's impressive that I'm capable of using my brain. Nevertheless, the seven of us spent 90 minutes in a really nice, engaging group discussion. We all exchanged business cards, and immediately afterward, I sent a LinkedIn request to everyone. By this morning, everyone had accepted my connection request, but I received this message from one of the guys.

I guess it was a bit arrogant of me to expect to be so memorable to someone 20 minutes after a 90 minute conversation. Thank God I have this guy to advise me on the finer points of networking. I guarantee he would not have sent this condescending message to me if I were a man, but people like him thrive on treating me like I'm incompetent. Their favorite venues for doing so are private, where sensible people like you can't observe their nonsense and call them out on it.

There's also no shortage of guys who rush to point out that I'm "not that technical" if I currently work in sales, marketing, or education -- despite the fact that my background as well as the subject matter are highly technical. That's like me telling a professor they're "not that academic" because they teach at a non-research university. It's ludicrous and incredibly rude. Ironically, we all know that a lot of engineers spend their careers plugging numbers into software tools that automate their jobs. But they say to me, "You must miss being technical." Nobody has the right to judge how technical I am. These naysayers have no idea whether I've filed patents this year, contributed to FOSS, or picked up app development as a hobby. Why am I even placed in a position where I'm expected to justify my existence in this community?

If you really think about it, you know you've seen these indignities take place. At a bare minimum, I'll bet you know exactly who the guilty parties are. You're perceptive, and even if you can't recall seeing these things happen, you have the same bad feeling in your gut about these guys that I do. If you keep an eye on them, you will eventually see them pull one of their stunts in public. It probably won't take very long now that you're paying attention.

Don't tolerate it. Even if it seems somewhat innocuous to you, telling someone they don't look like they belong creates a hostile, unwelcoming environment. Take responsibility for creating a culture that is welcoming and inclusive of everyone. Not only is it the right thing to do, but it will absolutely help your career.

I'm a woman. I'm a nerd. Deal with it.

I'm so sick of guys telling me that women can't be nerds -- that we can't like comics, games, software, or robots. I LOVE ROBOTS. What are you going to do about it? Well, this is what some jerks at Wondercon did about it. They made this bullshit t-shirt and sold it at their booth:

I don't know what astounds me more: the lack of inclusiveness on the part of people who have probably been marginalized by the "cool kids" for their entire lives and know exactly how terrible it feels or the fact that they feel like it is ok to be so brazen in their misogyny. I mean, holy shit! They just said that they HATE women who don't fit their stereotypes of what women should be. They didn't even say it in a dark corner; they said it on a SHIRT! My most sincere wish is that I will someday meet a dude wearing this shirt and open a huge can of carbonated reality in his face (after I shake it vigorously, of course).

I can't even go to Pine State for some biscuits and gravy without meeting someone who tries to force their perceived reality on me that women can't be nerds. This morning, I started chatting with another patron at Pine State who works in the software industry. Of course, I was telling him about the work I do to empower women in tech because I'll tell anyone within a 20 foot radius who will listen. He was like, "Wow, that's great! There were hardly any women at this software conference I went to recently. It was pretty nerdy, though."

I had to open a lightly carbonated can of "women can be nerds, too" reality in his vicinity -- nothing like the guy in the fangirl t-shirt would get, though. Trust me, I was very diplomatic, but I did shut him down. I don't think he was a bad guy. I think he was just repeating the gender-biased nonsense that has been spoon fed to him by society for his entire life. Unfortunately, this nonsense is so deeply institutionalized that you have to be pretty firm in your stance against it. We talked tech for at least ten minutes after that and parted on the shared sentiment that we hope to run into each other in the neighborhood again.

Something tells me the dude in the fangirl t-shirt from my fantasy run-in wouldn't share that sentiment. Heck, he already hates me and he hasn't even met me yet.

Believe in your own value

I'm fortunate to have been raised on the ideal that I'm not better than anyone else, and I truly believe it. I speak to Taco Bell employees with a reverence and respect that most people would reserve for Oprah Winfrey. While I think there are plenty of people out there who feel the same way, I wish more people understood the reverse: no one is better than you. Living and working from a humble place is important, but acknowledging your own worth is equally important. Living life without arrogance is not akin to putting yourself last.

You're not better than anyone else… and they're not better than you either. Be secure in your worth. Acknowledge it every day. If you believe other people deserve things more than you do, you will let precious opportunities slip away. A belief in your own value and worthiness could be the single most important factor in your ability to pursue your dreams. ♥

Pro-Women != Anti-Men && Loud != Angry

In a culture that values women who are sweet, quiet, pretty, and agreeable, I'm aware that firmly standing up for my beliefs is not going to make me more likable (to men or to women). I'm at peace with the fact that people will label me as angry and abrasive because I refuse to conform to our society's expectations of women. I'm fortunate to be surrounded by people who love me because they know I will not go gentle into that good night. :)

I'm loud when it comes to the fair treatment of women in tech because you have to be loud to bring about social change, and we need a full-on cultural makeover in tech. Women in tech deserve to be treated fairly and respected for their value instead of being ogled, assaulted, and made to jump through hoops like circus animals. It isn't other women who are imposing this nonsense; it is men.

My assertion of these realities does not mean that I hate men -- far from it. I don't even hate the men who have made it very clear that they hate me. Hate is an energy vortex that serves no purpose but to create misery, and I have no desire to create misery for myself or anyone else. Some of the men I've worked with in tech have been my strongest supporters and allies. Not only do I dearly value their friendship and the work we've done together, but I'm smart enough to recognize that a cultural revolution in tech is not possible without their support. I need these men to stand up and be loud with me when it comes to gender equality.

I want to spark a rich dialogue that includes both women and men, and hopefully leads to a shared desire for positive cultural change. If that makes you uncomfortable or leads you to believe that I hate men, I'm pretty sure you're not in my camp, and I'm not going to waste energy arguing with you or hating you. I need that energy to support and lift up women and men who are smart, kind, tenacious, compassionate, and focused on leaving the world a better place than they found it. ♥

Own Your Story

I encounter a fair number of women in tech who don't like to be called women in tech. I get it. We want to be thought of as what we are: engineers. I can see how it feels a little weird to add the "female" label: female engineer. It feels like you've just been forced to add a disclaimer that is completely superfluous.

When I was in engineering school, I couldn't stand being referred to as a woman in tech. I didn't join the Society of Women Engineers (SWE). I'm not going to lie. I thought SWE was stupid, and I joined the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers (IEEE). Engineering school truly is a meritocracy because there is almost always a right answer (or at least one that the professor is obviously looking for). When you're right, you're right, regardless of gender. I was right a lot; I had the highest GPA in my graduating class. I'm sure you can see why I didn't see the need for the Society of Women Engineers.

Then I went to work at a high tech company in a technical role. In industry, there isn't a "right" or "wrong" answer. There are varying degrees of right and wrong that are open to interpretation, and most of the interpreters are men. Suddenly I was being told that I was wrong. A lot. I was even told that I didn't understand the scientific method. Excuse me? I had successfully defended a Masters thesis at Duke University six months prior to being told this. I was told I was too aggressive. People didn't like my ideas (people being men). They didn't like working with me. I'm a relatively cool person, so none of this added up.

For a long time I was ashamed about the things that were happening. Everyone was blaming me, so I assumed these occurrences were my fault. Then I started talking to other women in tech and their experiences reflected my own. The only person who can really understand what you're going through as a woman in tech is another woman in tech, but other people will support you if you're courageous enough to share your stories. These experiences don't define us, but they are an important part of our story. Sharing my struggles helped me release the shame that was crushing my soul.

If you won't call yourself a woman in tech, then you're not sharing your whole story. I know you just want to be thought of as a great engineer, but you have to own your story. If you don't acknowledge and speak your struggles as a woman in tech, they will crush your soul as they did mine for many years. You matter. Your story matters. Share it. Own it.

"Shame can't survive being spoken." - Dr. Brene Brown

Incompetence Breeds Success

People are always asking me to explain how I accomplished something: how I built expertise in a certain area, how I made a career transition, how I created something successful. These are tough questions for me -- partly because I don't particularly enjoy talking about myself, but mostly because I don't always have the answers. Usually the first thing that comes to mind is, "I woke up one morning. I put on my big girl panties. And I did it." This isn't the answer people are looking for.

Then, today, it hit me. I know exactly how I accomplish everything I do. I intentionally place myself in situations where I'm completely incompetent and am forced to struggle (usually experiencing a series of horrible failures) until I become competent. We've all heard the Peter Principle, which suggests that people tend to be promoted until they reach their level of incompetence. This is generally viewed negatively because people can flounder when they reach this level, but people can also rise to the challenge. I constantly promote myself to my next level of incompetence so that I can rise to the challenge.

I only realized this because one of my clients was telling me about some of the jobs they want to apply for, but they haven't applied because they don't meet the qualifications listed in the requisitions. I was initially very confused by this -- why would you apply for a job that you already know how to do? Wouldn't that be incredibly boring? What would be in it for you? Then it hit me. People in our culture are terrified of failure. When people are terrified of failure, they don't push themselves. They never find out what they're capable of.

I've never known how to do a single job I've ever had -- at least not at first. I learned on the job, made a contribution, and then I asked myself two questions: How else can I apply what I've learned? and What else can I learn? Then I sought out a new role where I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew I could apply the skills I'd already acquired while learning some useful new ones. I was recently promoted to the position of Board President at a start-up. I don't know how to create a successful strategic business plan. I don't know how to manage a Board of Directors. I had never even been on a board until 4 months ago. I literally have no idea what I'm doing, and I've made no secret of this to my Executive Director or Board Members.

The people who are counting on me don't seem nervous, despite my lack of expertise. This is probably because I don't let my lack of expertise slow me down. I'm diving in with tireless passion and applying my existing skills and talents in new ways. I'm determined to become a great strategic leader for the organization because I refuse to let them down. I'll make a lot of mistakes and learn what NOT to do, and that's ok. I'll do some things right too, and at some point I'll do a lot of things right. Eventually, I'll be so good at it that it will be time to find something new to do.