Treat yourself to some empowerment

So much of advertising these days is focused on sending women the message that we look terrible. Too fat. Too thin. Too fair. Too dark. Too old. WAY too old. You should probably be hiding in a hovel if you're over 20 years old to spare the rest of the population from your withered, offensive appearance.

This systemic objectification and disempowerment takes place so that a multitude of unnecessary products can be sold. I should know. I've bought hundreds of these products. I don't even want to know how much money I've spent on body lotions to smooth out the barely visible cellulite on my ass when I should have been working out, eating healthy, and loving myself. Working out and eating healthy is really hard work, and advertisers hook us on the idea of fixing our "shortcomings" with easy, magical solutions.

Even when these products are effective in altering our appearance, they don't really make us healthy or happy. They might make us appear healthier. They also might make us happy for a moment, but they make us unhappy in the long run by perpetuating our addiction to attaining an unrealistic, unnecessary standard of appearance. In other words, we cycle through varying degrees of feeling terrible about ourselves. These products and the media that sells them steal our precious energy away from focusing on the things that really matter in our lives.

It's no secret that I wear make-up. I brush my teeth. I eat healthy. I get my hair cut every six weeks. I work out. I don't wear burlap sacks in place of clothing. Looking and feeling my best is important to me. I would just like to avoid products that are focused on "fixing" me because there isn't anything wrong with me. I don't need to have the skin of a 7 year old and the body of an 18 year old, and quite frankly, I don't want to. At 33 years old and 132 pounds, I feel way more beautiful, healthy, and fit than I did at 18 years old and 125 pounds. I don't think it's "brave" of me to state this.

I've built my life on a foundation of intellectual and emotional capabilities, not on a lack of cellulite and wrinkles. You have probably worked hard to do the same. No amount of Botox is going to make me better at what I do. Despite a pervasive cultural insistence that we are unattractive and should be ashamed of ourselves, our value is not extrinsic. We can nurture our true, intrinsic value by investing in self-improvement strategies that are positive, relevant, and effective: coaches, trainers, and therapists. Everyone can benefit from working with these people because they help us grow our intrinsic value starting with the fundamental truth that we're already good enough.

It's very important to me to approach career coaching from a place of positivity and empowerment. I help people create an abundance of whatever they want more of in their careers. Our focus drives our actions, which drive results that are lasting and impactful. There is no quick and easy alternative that achieves the same results as working with coaches, trainers, and therapists. There is no body lotion or facial injection that can change your life like working with these people can. Each and every one of us is deserving of the joy that comes from authentic, intrinsic self-improvement. Treat yourself to some empowerment. ❤️

What is going on outside your cube walls: A guide for men

Dealing with micro-aggressions, sexism, and harassment is a daily burden for women in tech. Despite the fact that these indignities occur constantly, there is no shortage of men who are eager to tell me that they've never witnessed micro-aggressions, sexism, or harassment against women at their company. 

There are only three possible explanations for this:
1. They have never worked with women
2. They are lying
3. They are oblivious

I hope there aren't any men left in technology who have never worked with women. 

Some of these people are lying. I can absolutely tell they're lying. They smile at me slyly like the cat who swallowed the canary. Their insistence that they've never seen this stuff is a form of micro-aggression in itself. It is their way of sending a message to me that if they say it doesn't exist, it doesn't exist, and I'm powerless to do anything about it. 

Then there are the people who are truly oblivious -- those kindred souls who are too busy coding with their headphones on to pay attention to what is going on around them. This blog entry is for you. A lot of micro-aggression, sexism, and harassment takes places privately (in conference rooms, elevators, and empty hallways), but just because you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Please hear me out as I present this educational guide to what is going on outside your cube walls.

The single most common micro-aggression sounds like this:
"You don't LOOK like an engineer" or "You don't look like you belong here."

Come on, think about it. Yeah, you've definitely heard it.

It escalates from there: people asking me to make copies for them or to get them coffee, like this is the 1950's and I'm their personal assistant. Then come the unwelcome sexual advances, the emotional abuse (screaming obscenities in my face, calling me a bitch), the physical violence (grabbing and shaking me or pushing me into walls), the condescending advice, ranging from "you should wear that skirt more often" to "let me tell you in the same voice I use with my 3 year-old how to do the most basic of tasks," even though I'm more proficient than they are in many cases.

Some of it is subtle, but it's still infuriating. Last night, I went to a networking event for engineers, and seven people showed up. Naturally, the night kicked off with the standard, "Wow, you're an engineer," nonsense, because evidently it's impressive that I'm capable of using my brain. Nevertheless, the seven of us spent 90 minutes in a really nice, engaging group discussion. We all exchanged business cards, and immediately afterward, I sent a LinkedIn request to everyone. By this morning, everyone had accepted my connection request, but I received this message from one of the guys.

I guess it was a bit arrogant of me to expect to be so memorable to someone 20 minutes after a 90 minute conversation. Thank God I have this guy to advise me on the finer points of networking. I guarantee he would not have sent this condescending message to me if I were a man, but people like him thrive on treating me like I'm incompetent. Their favorite venues for doing so are private, where sensible people like you can't observe their nonsense and call them out on it.

There's also no shortage of guys who rush to point out that I'm "not that technical" if I currently work in sales, marketing, or education -- despite the fact that my background as well as the subject matter are highly technical. That's like me telling a professor they're "not that academic" because they teach at a non-research university. It's ludicrous and incredibly rude. Ironically, we all know that a lot of engineers spend their careers plugging numbers into software tools that automate their jobs. But they say to me, "You must miss being technical." Nobody has the right to judge how technical I am. These naysayers have no idea whether I've filed patents this year, contributed to FOSS, or picked up app development as a hobby. Why am I even placed in a position where I'm expected to justify my existence in this community?

If you really think about it, you know you've seen these indignities take place. At a bare minimum, I'll bet you know exactly who the guilty parties are. You're perceptive, and even if you can't recall seeing these things happen, you have the same bad feeling in your gut about these guys that I do. If you keep an eye on them, you will eventually see them pull one of their stunts in public. It probably won't take very long now that you're paying attention.

Don't tolerate it. Even if it seems somewhat innocuous to you, telling someone they don't look like they belong creates a hostile, unwelcoming environment. Take responsibility for creating a culture that is welcoming and inclusive of everyone. Not only is it the right thing to do, but it will absolutely help your career.