I'm a woman. I'm a nerd. Deal with it.

I'm so sick of guys telling me that women can't be nerds -- that we can't like comics, games, software, or robots. I LOVE ROBOTS. What are you going to do about it? Well, this is what some jerks at Wondercon did about it. They made this bullshit t-shirt and sold it at their booth:

I don't know what astounds me more: the lack of inclusiveness on the part of people who have probably been marginalized by the "cool kids" for their entire lives and know exactly how terrible it feels or the fact that they feel like it is ok to be so brazen in their misogyny. I mean, holy shit! They just said that they HATE women who don't fit their stereotypes of what women should be. They didn't even say it in a dark corner; they said it on a SHIRT! My most sincere wish is that I will someday meet a dude wearing this shirt and open a huge can of carbonated reality in his face (after I shake it vigorously, of course).

I can't even go to Pine State for some biscuits and gravy without meeting someone who tries to force their perceived reality on me that women can't be nerds. This morning, I started chatting with another patron at Pine State who works in the software industry. Of course, I was telling him about the work I do to empower women in tech because I'll tell anyone within a 20 foot radius who will listen. He was like, "Wow, that's great! There were hardly any women at this software conference I went to recently. It was pretty nerdy, though."

I had to open a lightly carbonated can of "women can be nerds, too" reality in his vicinity -- nothing like the guy in the fangirl t-shirt would get, though. Trust me, I was very diplomatic, but I did shut him down. I don't think he was a bad guy. I think he was just repeating the gender-biased nonsense that has been spoon fed to him by society for his entire life. Unfortunately, this nonsense is so deeply institutionalized that you have to be pretty firm in your stance against it. We talked tech for at least ten minutes after that and parted on the shared sentiment that we hope to run into each other in the neighborhood again.

Something tells me the dude in the fangirl t-shirt from my fantasy run-in wouldn't share that sentiment. Heck, he already hates me and he hasn't even met me yet.

Believe in your own value

I'm fortunate to have been raised on the ideal that I'm not better than anyone else, and I truly believe it. I speak to Taco Bell employees with a reverence and respect that most people would reserve for Oprah Winfrey. While I think there are plenty of people out there who feel the same way, I wish more people understood the reverse: no one is better than you. Living and working from a humble place is important, but acknowledging your own worth is equally important. Living life without arrogance is not akin to putting yourself last.

You're not better than anyone else… and they're not better than you either. Be secure in your worth. Acknowledge it every day. If you believe other people deserve things more than you do, you will let precious opportunities slip away. A belief in your own value and worthiness could be the single most important factor in your ability to pursue your dreams. ♥

Pro-Women != Anti-Men && Loud != Angry

In a culture that values women who are sweet, quiet, pretty, and agreeable, I'm aware that firmly standing up for my beliefs is not going to make me more likable (to men or to women). I'm at peace with the fact that people will label me as angry and abrasive because I refuse to conform to our society's expectations of women. I'm fortunate to be surrounded by people who love me because they know I will not go gentle into that good night. :)

I'm loud when it comes to the fair treatment of women in tech because you have to be loud to bring about social change, and we need a full-on cultural makeover in tech. Women in tech deserve to be treated fairly and respected for their value instead of being ogled, assaulted, and made to jump through hoops like circus animals. It isn't other women who are imposing this nonsense; it is men.

My assertion of these realities does not mean that I hate men -- far from it. I don't even hate the men who have made it very clear that they hate me. Hate is an energy vortex that serves no purpose but to create misery, and I have no desire to create misery for myself or anyone else. Some of the men I've worked with in tech have been my strongest supporters and allies. Not only do I dearly value their friendship and the work we've done together, but I'm smart enough to recognize that a cultural revolution in tech is not possible without their support. I need these men to stand up and be loud with me when it comes to gender equality.

I want to spark a rich dialogue that includes both women and men, and hopefully leads to a shared desire for positive cultural change. If that makes you uncomfortable or leads you to believe that I hate men, I'm pretty sure you're not in my camp, and I'm not going to waste energy arguing with you or hating you. I need that energy to support and lift up women and men who are smart, kind, tenacious, compassionate, and focused on leaving the world a better place than they found it. ♥

Own Your Story

I encounter a fair number of women in tech who don't like to be called women in tech. I get it. We want to be thought of as what we are: engineers. I can see how it feels a little weird to add the "female" label: female engineer. It feels like you've just been forced to add a disclaimer that is completely superfluous.

When I was in engineering school, I couldn't stand being referred to as a woman in tech. I didn't join the Society of Women Engineers (SWE). I'm not going to lie. I thought SWE was stupid, and I joined the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers (IEEE). Engineering school truly is a meritocracy because there is almost always a right answer (or at least one that the professor is obviously looking for). When you're right, you're right, regardless of gender. I was right a lot; I had the highest GPA in my graduating class. I'm sure you can see why I didn't see the need for the Society of Women Engineers.

Then I went to work at a high tech company in a technical role. In industry, there isn't a "right" or "wrong" answer. There are varying degrees of right and wrong that are open to interpretation, and most of the interpreters are men. Suddenly I was being told that I was wrong. A lot. I was even told that I didn't understand the scientific method. Excuse me? I had successfully defended a Masters thesis at Duke University six months prior to being told this. I was told I was too aggressive. People didn't like my ideas (people being men). They didn't like working with me. I'm a relatively cool person, so none of this added up.

For a long time I was ashamed about the things that were happening. Everyone was blaming me, so I assumed these occurrences were my fault. Then I started talking to other women in tech and their experiences reflected my own. The only person who can really understand what you're going through as a woman in tech is another woman in tech, but other people will support you if you're courageous enough to share your stories. These experiences don't define us, but they are an important part of our story. Sharing my struggles helped me release the shame that was crushing my soul.

If you won't call yourself a woman in tech, then you're not sharing your whole story. I know you just want to be thought of as a great engineer, but you have to own your story. If you don't acknowledge and speak your struggles as a woman in tech, they will crush your soul as they did mine for many years. You matter. Your story matters. Share it. Own it.

"Shame can't survive being spoken." - Dr. Brene Brown