Dealing with micro-aggressions, sexism, and harassment is a daily burden for women in tech. Despite the fact that these indignities occur constantly, there is no shortage of men who are eager to tell me that they've never witnessed micro-aggressions, sexism, or harassment against women at their company.
There are only three possible explanations for this:
1. They have never worked with women
2. They are lying
3. They are oblivious
I hope there aren't any men left in technology who have never worked with women.
Some of these people are lying. I can absolutely tell they're lying. They smile at me slyly like the cat who swallowed the canary. Their insistence that they've never seen this stuff is a form of micro-aggression in itself. It is their way of sending a message to me that if they say it doesn't exist, it doesn't exist, and I'm powerless to do anything about it.
Then there are the people who are truly oblivious -- those kindred souls who are too busy coding with their headphones on to pay attention to what is going on around them. This blog entry is for you. A lot of micro-aggression, sexism, and harassment takes places privately (in conference rooms, elevators, and empty hallways), but just because you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Please hear me out as I present this educational guide to what is going on outside your cube walls.
The single most common micro-aggression sounds like this:
"You don't LOOK like an engineer" or "You don't look like you belong here."
Come on, think about it. Yeah, you've definitely heard it.
It escalates from there: people asking me to make copies for them or to get them coffee, like this is the 1950's and I'm their personal assistant. Then come the unwelcome sexual advances, the emotional abuse (screaming obscenities in my face, calling me a bitch), the physical violence (grabbing and shaking me or pushing me into walls), the condescending advice, ranging from "you should wear that skirt more often" to "let me tell you in the same voice I use with my 3 year-old how to do the most basic of tasks," even though I'm more proficient than they are in many cases.
Some of it is subtle, but it's still infuriating. Last night, I went to a networking event for engineers, and seven people showed up. Naturally, the night kicked off with the standard, "Wow, you're an engineer," nonsense, because evidently it's impressive that I'm capable of using my brain. Nevertheless, the seven of us spent 90 minutes in a really nice, engaging group discussion. We all exchanged business cards, and immediately afterward, I sent a LinkedIn request to everyone. By this morning, everyone had accepted my connection request, but I received this message from one of the guys.
I guess it was a bit arrogant of me to expect to be so memorable to someone 20 minutes after a 90 minute conversation. Thank God I have this guy to advise me on the finer points of networking. I guarantee he would not have sent this condescending message to me if I were a man, but people like him thrive on treating me like I'm incompetent. Their favorite venues for doing so are private, where sensible people like you can't observe their nonsense and call them out on it.
There's also no shortage of guys who rush to point out that I'm "not that technical" if I currently work in sales, marketing, or education -- despite the fact that my background as well as the subject matter are highly technical. That's like me telling a professor they're "not that academic" because they teach at a non-research university. It's ludicrous and incredibly rude. Ironically, we all know that a lot of engineers spend their careers plugging numbers into software tools that automate their jobs. But they say to me, "You must miss being technical." Nobody has the right to judge how technical I am. These naysayers have no idea whether I've filed patents this year, contributed to FOSS, or picked up app development as a hobby. Why am I even placed in a position where I'm expected to justify my existence in this community?
If you really think about it, you know you've seen these indignities take place. At a bare minimum, I'll bet you know exactly who the guilty parties are. You're perceptive, and even if you can't recall seeing these things happen, you have the same bad feeling in your gut about these guys that I do. If you keep an eye on them, you will eventually see them pull one of their stunts in public. It probably won't take very long now that you're paying attention.
Don't tolerate it. Even if it seems somewhat innocuous to you, telling someone they don't look like they belong creates a hostile, unwelcoming environment. Take responsibility for creating a culture that is welcoming and inclusive of everyone. Not only is it the right thing to do, but it will absolutely help your career.
There are only three possible explanations for this:
1. They have never worked with women
2. They are lying
3. They are oblivious
I hope there aren't any men left in technology who have never worked with women.
Some of these people are lying. I can absolutely tell they're lying. They smile at me slyly like the cat who swallowed the canary. Their insistence that they've never seen this stuff is a form of micro-aggression in itself. It is their way of sending a message to me that if they say it doesn't exist, it doesn't exist, and I'm powerless to do anything about it.
Then there are the people who are truly oblivious -- those kindred souls who are too busy coding with their headphones on to pay attention to what is going on around them. This blog entry is for you. A lot of micro-aggression, sexism, and harassment takes places privately (in conference rooms, elevators, and empty hallways), but just because you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Please hear me out as I present this educational guide to what is going on outside your cube walls.
The single most common micro-aggression sounds like this:
"You don't LOOK like an engineer" or "You don't look like you belong here."
Come on, think about it. Yeah, you've definitely heard it.
It escalates from there: people asking me to make copies for them or to get them coffee, like this is the 1950's and I'm their personal assistant. Then come the unwelcome sexual advances, the emotional abuse (screaming obscenities in my face, calling me a bitch), the physical violence (grabbing and shaking me or pushing me into walls), the condescending advice, ranging from "you should wear that skirt more often" to "let me tell you in the same voice I use with my 3 year-old how to do the most basic of tasks," even though I'm more proficient than they are in many cases.
Some of it is subtle, but it's still infuriating. Last night, I went to a networking event for engineers, and seven people showed up. Naturally, the night kicked off with the standard, "Wow, you're an engineer," nonsense, because evidently it's impressive that I'm capable of using my brain. Nevertheless, the seven of us spent 90 minutes in a really nice, engaging group discussion. We all exchanged business cards, and immediately afterward, I sent a LinkedIn request to everyone. By this morning, everyone had accepted my connection request, but I received this message from one of the guys.
There's also no shortage of guys who rush to point out that I'm "not that technical" if I currently work in sales, marketing, or education -- despite the fact that my background as well as the subject matter are highly technical. That's like me telling a professor they're "not that academic" because they teach at a non-research university. It's ludicrous and incredibly rude. Ironically, we all know that a lot of engineers spend their careers plugging numbers into software tools that automate their jobs. But they say to me, "You must miss being technical." Nobody has the right to judge how technical I am. These naysayers have no idea whether I've filed patents this year, contributed to FOSS, or picked up app development as a hobby. Why am I even placed in a position where I'm expected to justify my existence in this community?
If you really think about it, you know you've seen these indignities take place. At a bare minimum, I'll bet you know exactly who the guilty parties are. You're perceptive, and even if you can't recall seeing these things happen, you have the same bad feeling in your gut about these guys that I do. If you keep an eye on them, you will eventually see them pull one of their stunts in public. It probably won't take very long now that you're paying attention.
Don't tolerate it. Even if it seems somewhat innocuous to you, telling someone they don't look like they belong creates a hostile, unwelcoming environment. Take responsibility for creating a culture that is welcoming and inclusive of everyone. Not only is it the right thing to do, but it will absolutely help your career.
No comments:
Post a Comment