Ok, I should rephrase that. I can't believe how hard it is to find a psychiatrist who meets my standards.
Over the past two weeks, I've had several bad panic attacks. I've had panic attacks before. I got my first one in 6th grade, so I'm no stranger to them. However, I've had a really enjoyable two year hiatus. I've been doing a great job of managing my anxiety for the past two years, but it's been steadily rising for a few months now. I didn't realize just how bad it had gotten until the panic attacks started. Anxiety is a sneaky bastard.
Upon further reflection, I realized that in a typical day, I am committed to about 28 hours worth of activities. I make it work by doing things like working through lunch, skipping a couple hours of sleep, making phone calls while I'm out running, and eating cereal for dinner. It has actually been working, and I've taken great pride in this. Note that when I say that it is "working," I mean I've barely managed to stay alive.
The reality is that I've been burning the candle at both ends. I'm tired. I'm agitated. When the smallest unexpected thing happens, I can't handle it. I just didn't plan time for it in my schedule, and I can't afford any set backs. Unexpected things always happen (especially at my job), so the pile of commitments just keeps on growing. I feel like I'm drowning, so I'm in constant fight or flight mode. I prefer fight to flight, so I'm a real pleasure to be around. Considering all this, it's no surprise that I started having panic attacks again. I don't really have time in my busy schedule to hang out on the floor hyperventilating, so the time has come (once again) for me to enlist the help of a professional.
When I went to the Cigna website, I just assumed there would be dozens of mental health professionals of the highest caliber waiting to solve my problems. My primary requirement was that they were in my health insurance network because I don't need the extra stress of burning $100 bills. Once I started perusing the list, I realized my requirements were actually more numerous.
First and foremost, I refuse to consider any doctor in Vancouver. I don't think any explanation is required there.
From there, it starts to get a little fuzzy. I don't like one doctor's name. I feel like I can't trust someone with a name like "Magna Doodlepants" to help me. That wasn't actually it, but I assure you that it was equally stupid.
I don't like the next lady because she doesn't seem very solutions focused. I don't need to pay someone just to listen to me. My friends do that for free as long as I give them wine and cookies.
I don't like the next lady because she has only been practicing in this country for a couple of years, and I feel like she won't understand the cultural influences that are contributing to my anxiety.
I Google the next doctor, find a picture of her, and I'm convinced she's missing an eye. She isn't wearing an eye patch, but one of her eyes is clearly fake. I know I would just stare at it and wonder if she lost it in a knife fight instead of focusing on my shit.
The next lady is 80 years old. I can't deal with old people smell. You can't get it out of your clothes.
The next lady looks PERFECT, but specializes in pediatric psychology. Why is she showing up in my search? Clearly just to taunt me with what I can't have.
This literally goes on until I reach the end of the list, and it finally dawns on me that I know exactly what I'm looking for: Me, but a psychiatrist. Who would better understand ME than someone who is like ME: a Portland-dwelling woman under the age of 80 with a normal name who solves problems and isn't missing any body parts. I'll be damned, but she doesn't exist, so I called to make appointments with three doctors who almost met that criteria.
I'm convinced that this is going to be a terrific disaster, but I guess I don't really have much of a choice. Wish me luck.
Over the past two weeks, I've had several bad panic attacks. I've had panic attacks before. I got my first one in 6th grade, so I'm no stranger to them. However, I've had a really enjoyable two year hiatus. I've been doing a great job of managing my anxiety for the past two years, but it's been steadily rising for a few months now. I didn't realize just how bad it had gotten until the panic attacks started. Anxiety is a sneaky bastard.
Upon further reflection, I realized that in a typical day, I am committed to about 28 hours worth of activities. I make it work by doing things like working through lunch, skipping a couple hours of sleep, making phone calls while I'm out running, and eating cereal for dinner. It has actually been working, and I've taken great pride in this. Note that when I say that it is "working," I mean I've barely managed to stay alive.
The reality is that I've been burning the candle at both ends. I'm tired. I'm agitated. When the smallest unexpected thing happens, I can't handle it. I just didn't plan time for it in my schedule, and I can't afford any set backs. Unexpected things always happen (especially at my job), so the pile of commitments just keeps on growing. I feel like I'm drowning, so I'm in constant fight or flight mode. I prefer fight to flight, so I'm a real pleasure to be around. Considering all this, it's no surprise that I started having panic attacks again. I don't really have time in my busy schedule to hang out on the floor hyperventilating, so the time has come (once again) for me to enlist the help of a professional.
When I went to the Cigna website, I just assumed there would be dozens of mental health professionals of the highest caliber waiting to solve my problems. My primary requirement was that they were in my health insurance network because I don't need the extra stress of burning $100 bills. Once I started perusing the list, I realized my requirements were actually more numerous.
First and foremost, I refuse to consider any doctor in Vancouver. I don't think any explanation is required there.
From there, it starts to get a little fuzzy. I don't like one doctor's name. I feel like I can't trust someone with a name like "Magna Doodlepants" to help me. That wasn't actually it, but I assure you that it was equally stupid.
I don't like the next lady because she doesn't seem very solutions focused. I don't need to pay someone just to listen to me. My friends do that for free as long as I give them wine and cookies.
I don't like the next lady because she has only been practicing in this country for a couple of years, and I feel like she won't understand the cultural influences that are contributing to my anxiety.
I Google the next doctor, find a picture of her, and I'm convinced she's missing an eye. She isn't wearing an eye patch, but one of her eyes is clearly fake. I know I would just stare at it and wonder if she lost it in a knife fight instead of focusing on my shit.
The next lady is 80 years old. I can't deal with old people smell. You can't get it out of your clothes.
The next lady looks PERFECT, but specializes in pediatric psychology. Why is she showing up in my search? Clearly just to taunt me with what I can't have.
This literally goes on until I reach the end of the list, and it finally dawns on me that I know exactly what I'm looking for: Me, but a psychiatrist. Who would better understand ME than someone who is like ME: a Portland-dwelling woman under the age of 80 with a normal name who solves problems and isn't missing any body parts. I'll be damned, but she doesn't exist, so I called to make appointments with three doctors who almost met that criteria.
I'm convinced that this is going to be a terrific disaster, but I guess I don't really have much of a choice. Wish me luck.
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